List of things to say when someone asks why you don’t want kids:

    I promised my firstborn to a witch and really don’t want to make good on the deal
    Well you can have them FOR me if it’s that big a deal to you
    I don’t think I could get a good price for em on the black market
    Fight me Helen
    I can’t be a better parent than Angelina Jolie so why even bother
    That’s my nindo. My ninja way.
    I literally JUST sat down
    Recite “The Highway Man” from Over the Garden Wall
    Kids? What are those? I don’t understand. What are these youOH GRAVY WHAT IS THAT!?
    Oohhh no, I’ve seen Disney movies, I know what happens to mothers
    Centipedes? In my vagina?
    *Angrily* YOU SEE!? This is just like that episode of Spongebob! *insert the plot of any episode of Spongebob in excruciating detail*
    I heard they’re.. you know.. itchy. Like, as soon as you have a kid. Just totally itchy. Everything.
    I’m an Aries
    Well, we already got an even number so.. *shrug*
    I must first capture the Avatar to regain my honor
    I’m allergic
    That’s just what the communists want!
    I’ve been dead for seven years
    Santa didn’t bring me one last Christmas, so I guess it’s no meant to be
    I’m afraid they’ll have bad taste in memes
    It would be unfair to my cat
    I’m chaotic neutral
    *long farting noise lasting at least 45 seconds*
    “I don’t want to have children, I want to stay single, and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset.”